Ok y’all. So there I was, lying in bed missing my little babe even though he was asleep in his rocker literally right next to the bed. All I wanted was to snuggle him and kiss the top of his sweet head. I tell my husband who then proceeds to tell me to pick him up. So like an idiot I listen to him and pick up my sleeping baby because I have no idea what’s coming next.
After picking up Ezra, I noticed his diaper was wet and needed to be changed so I take him to the changing table to do a quick diaper change. Wrong. I took off his wet diaper and stupidly let my guard down for 2.25 seconds only to look back at him and notice he’s peeing everywhere. Literally everywhere. Kid is straight up peeing in his face, it’s running down behind his head and soaking his hair, and his onesie is soaked. So I did what any mom would do and I just throw a diaper at him like I’m putting out a grease fire. If you’re ever put in this situation, I don’t recommend this method because the pee was just splashing off of the diaper and splattering all over him. Moving on.
So I strip down my kid and carry him to the bathroom butt naked and tell him not to crap in my hand on the way. Well apparently he’s a good listener because he did not poop on me. We make it to the bathroom and I’m sitting on the toilet holding him waiting for the water to warm up when suddenly my BUTT NAKED baby starts peeing. AGAIN. So here’s a little secret into my personal life. I spend 90% of my time at home with a nursing bra and no shirt on because this kid eats more than a 900 lb. man, so don’t just show up at my house because I won’t have a shirt on. 🤷🏼♀️ #momlife (am I right?!) Anyways, he pees all over himself and me this time. He soaks my bra, my belly, and he even manages to somehow pee into my mouth. I’m dead y’all. Now I also need a shower. The water finally gets warm enough so I put him in there and start bathing him when suddenly he rips one in the tub. I instantly snatch him out of the tub and sit him on the toilet like a grown man and allow him to let it all out. He obviously didn’t appreciate my efforts because he starts screaming. I get him back in the tub and get him all clean and then Sam takes him to the changing table to put his diaper on him. Once again we didn’t make it in time and now he has peed all over Sam. Cool. So now Sam and I both need a shower.
I finally get the naked baby dressed and he’s hungry so I feed him. Well wouldn’t you know that he spits up all over me when eating? I mean why not? It’s dripping down my body, it’s on my pillow, it’s on the sheets, and all over his face and body. *slams face into the wall 917 times +1 more just to make sure I’m feeling good and dead*
So I learned some valuable lessons today:
1. Don’t ever wake a sleeping baby because you feel like snuggling.
2. Don’t ever listen to your husband because men don’t know anything.
3. Don’t ever take for granted the peepee teepees you were given to prevent these situations from ever happening.
So if you have a baby boy or have one on the way, get you some off these fine boogers. Greatest invention ever link here. They have disposable ones that you can buy, or you can buy these and be good to the environment.
Now I’m going to go finally cook dinner and then go to bed with all the bodily fluids I’m wearing and just skip the shower because that’s who I am as a person. Here’s to you, Tsunami Ezra. Here’s to you. 🍻
Megan out. ✌🏻