I’ve never been much on New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve always thought if you didn’t like something about yourself then you should just change those things anytime rather than waiting for January 1st to roll around in efforts to better yourself.
But I got to thinking about my past year and the many topics that have bothered me throughout the year 2018 and I decided that maybe a new year with a new outlook wouldn’t be such a bad idea?
So here’s my try to a new me and things that ate me to my core or things that needed improvement in 2018:
1. Motherhood. Motherhood is the most rewarding and hardest thing in the history of ever. There were days that I would literally wish away in an effort to start over fresh tomorrow. Countless hours crying, feeling sorry for myself, overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, the list goes on and on. This year will only get harder as I will be throwing another babe into the mix, but this year I want to relish the moments, even the bad ones, and learn to love and nurture in what I believe to be a more “motherly manor”.
2. Marriage. My husband is amazing, there’s no question about that. But if one little thing didn’t go my way, or I felt unnoticed, or less than enough, or if I was told no then I shut down. I wanted him to step up in other ways as a father that I felt he should be doing but in reality he was doing more than his fair share in his own little way. We struggled with communication in 2018 than any other year of our marriage and it ATE. ME. ALIVE. I hated it. HATED IT. But I’m slowly but surely learning when to shut my mouth and give him space. He deserves the world’s greatest wife because he is truly the world’s greatest man.
3. Health/Wellness. Before my miscarriages I became super in tune with my body and developed a love for fitness. Unfortunately from miscarriage complications, I could no longer tolerate exercise and I’m the kind of idiot that resorts to food for comfort. I finally got back on the bandwagon a few months ago only to quickly be stopped by my excruciating hip pain. Y’all, this hip pain has been the most debilitating thing I’ve ever endured. I mean EVER. I tried many things to help it but all efforts failed. Today I went to the chiropractor for the first time for my hip pain and I left walking. My pain on a good day is usually a 6/10 but since my appointment today I have been a solid 2-3/10 and I feel like I am winning at life. I don’t know if this is temporary, but for the moment I have relief and I have been able to play with my baby and clean the gutters on our house! Please, hold the commentary on what I should and shouldn’t do. I want to love myself again and the way I feel and I’ll be darned if I rob myself of that this year.
4. Christianity. I have been a lousy Christian these past few months, really ever since Ezra was born. I don’t look forward to going to church, I don’t pray nearly as much as I used to, and I think negative thoughts about silly things a lot. I made myself feel better by primarily listening to Christian music, but it’s not the same thing as having a true relationship with Him. My faith and my beliefs have always been very important to me and the basis of my foundation, but I really let it slip in 2018. I focused on myself without help from Him and I promise you I felt it more than I’m happy to admit. This year my #1 goal is to strengthen my relationship with God because I need Him and I know everything else will fall back into place once I put Him back at the center of my life. I am not Mrs. Fix-It and how dare I think I am?
5. Depression. I have literally never admitted this to anyone before this blog, but in 2018 I was depressed. I struggled with feeling lonely, worthless, and not good enough for I can’t tell you how many months this year. Going back to motherhood, it is such an isolating feeling when you are basically a stay-at-home mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I am able to stay at home and be with my baby and I love that I get to raise my kid, but y’all let’s not sugar coat this topic. Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the loneliest things I’ve ever done in my life. You spend hours and hours with a human that obviously loves you more than anything in this world but can’t talk back to you, and doesn’t really interact with you for a long time. I am a social butterfly and I hungered for a conversation with someone. Going back to the marriage issue, my husband needs to come home and wind down after a long day of work and his way of winding down is not talking and being by himself for a little while. The two issues mixed together for me were like a fatal car crash. I began to lose who I was as a person. I began calling my mom for literally the dumbest reasons ever (and still do) so I can hear another voice respond back to me. I longed for the days I had to work because that meant I got to be around adults and they would speak to me!! What a concept! I tried talking to a few people about it and everyone said they understood what I was going through, and I believe they did to an extent, but there were days I literally didn’t want to go on because that meant I had to face my lonely reality. It brings tears to my eyes to reflect on these moments. But I will overcome this disease and I will be a happy person because I’ll be darned if I make myself, my husband, or my children take the beating for my self pity. I owe it to every single one of us to focus on my well-being and be the best Christian/wife/mother/friend WHATEVER I need to be.
Moral of the story? Maybe New Year’s Resolutions aren’t so bad. But I have to actually resolve problems rather than work on them for a few months and then give up because life got hard. And I need every single person that reads this blog to hold me accountable. If that’s only one person (and by one person I mean myself 😬), then by golly I’ll hold myself accountable! If anyone else is reading this, I’m here for you on your journey to better yourself and meet your goals as well!
So, with all that being said, what does your New Year, New You look like?