New Year, New Me?

I’ve never been much on New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve always thought if you didn’t like something about yourself then you should just change those things anytime rather than waiting for January 1st to roll around in efforts to better yourself.

But I got to thinking about my past year and the many topics that have bothered me throughout the year 2018 and I decided that maybe a new year with a new outlook wouldn’t be such a bad idea?

So here’s my try to a new me and things that ate me to my core or things that needed improvement in 2018:

1. Motherhood. Motherhood is the most rewarding and hardest thing in the history of ever. There were days that I would literally wish away in an effort to start over fresh tomorrow. Countless hours crying, feeling sorry for myself, overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, the list goes on and on. This year will only get harder as I will be throwing another babe into the mix, but this year I want to relish the moments, even the bad ones, and learn to love and nurture in what I believe to be a more “motherly manor”.

2. Marriage. My husband is amazing, there’s no question about that. But if one little thing didn’t go my way, or I felt unnoticed, or less than enough, or if I was told no then I shut down. I wanted him to step up in other ways as a father that I felt he should be doing but in reality he was doing more than his fair share in his own little way. We struggled with communication in 2018 than any other year of our marriage and it ATE. ME. ALIVE. I hated it. HATED IT. But I’m slowly but surely learning when to shut my mouth and give him space. He deserves the world’s greatest wife because he is truly the world’s greatest man.

3. Health/Wellness. Before my miscarriages I became super in tune with my body and developed a love for fitness. Unfortunately from miscarriage complications, I could no longer tolerate exercise and I’m the kind of idiot that resorts to food for comfort. I finally got back on the bandwagon a few months ago only to quickly be stopped by my excruciating hip pain. Y’all, this hip pain has been the most debilitating thing I’ve ever endured. I mean EVER. I tried many things to help it but all efforts failed. Today I went to the chiropractor for the first time for my hip pain and I left walking. My pain on a good day is usually a 6/10 but since my appointment today I have been a solid 2-3/10 and I feel like I am winning at life. I don’t know if this is temporary, but for the moment I have relief and I have been able to play with my baby and clean the gutters on our house! Please, hold the commentary on what I should and shouldn’t do. I want to love myself again and the way I feel and I’ll be darned if I rob myself of that this year.

4. Christianity. I have been a lousy Christian these past few months, really ever since Ezra was born. I don’t look forward to going to church, I don’t pray nearly as much as I used to, and I think negative thoughts about silly things a lot. I made myself feel better by primarily listening to Christian music, but it’s not the same thing as having a true relationship with Him. My faith and my beliefs have always been very important to me and the basis of my foundation, but I really let it slip in 2018. I focused on myself without help from Him and I promise you I felt it more than I’m happy to admit. This year my #1 goal is to strengthen my relationship with God because I need Him and I know everything else will fall back into place once I put Him back at the center of my life. I am not Mrs. Fix-It and how dare I think I am?

5. Depression. I have literally never admitted this to anyone before this blog, but in 2018 I was depressed. I struggled with feeling lonely, worthless, and not good enough for I can’t tell you how many months this year. Going back to motherhood, it is such an isolating feeling when you are basically a stay-at-home mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I am able to stay at home and be with my baby and I love that I get to raise my kid, but y’all let’s not sugar coat this topic. Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the loneliest things I’ve ever done in my life. You spend hours and hours with a human that obviously loves you more than anything in this world but can’t talk back to you, and doesn’t really interact with you for a long time. I am a social butterfly and I hungered for a conversation with someone. Going back to the marriage issue, my husband needs to come home and wind down after a long day of work and his way of winding down is not talking and being by himself for a little while. The two issues mixed together for me were like a fatal car crash. I began to lose who I was as a person. I began calling my mom for literally the dumbest reasons ever (and still do) so I can hear another voice respond back to me. I longed for the days I had to work because that meant I got to be around adults and they would speak to me!! What a concept! I tried talking to a few people about it and everyone said they understood what I was going through, and I believe they did to an extent, but there were days I literally didn’t want to go on because that meant I had to face my lonely reality. It brings tears to my eyes to reflect on these moments. But I will overcome this disease and I will be a happy person because I’ll be darned if I make myself, my husband, or my children take the beating for my self pity. I owe it to every single one of us to focus on my well-being and be the best Christian/wife/mother/friend WHATEVER I need to be.

Moral of the story? Maybe New Year’s Resolutions aren’t so bad. But I have to actually resolve problems rather than work on them for a few months and then give up because life got hard. And I need every single person that reads this blog to hold me accountable. If that’s only one person (and by one person I mean myself ๐Ÿ˜ฌ), then by golly I’ll hold myself accountable! If anyone else is reading this, I’m here for you on your journey to better yourself and meet your goals as well!

So, with all that being said, what does your New Year, New You look like?

Badge of Honor

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by Regina George (Jk ๐Ÿ™ˆ). But seriously- raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by yourself. ๐Ÿ™‹โ€โ™€๏ธ I’ve got my hand held high. I should really be waving both of them around like a crazy woman.

Personal info coming at ya live in 5…4…3…2…1…

Before I got pregnant with Ezra, I weighed 137 lbs. Birth weight was 174. And weight as of yesterday was 153. Obviously I gained more than I was supposed to and I still have several pounds to lose before I reach my pre-pregnancy weight… 16 lbs. to be exact and boy if I haven’t reminded myself daily. I also had zero stretch marks on my tummy my entire pregnancy. One week postpartum I lost 21 lbs. and gained a tummy full of stretch marks due to rapid weight loss. I was ecstatic about the weight loss but completely devastated by my new stripes.

Will my husband still find me attractive? Will I ever wear another two piece bathing suit? Will people judge me or be disgusted when they see them? Will Ezra one day ask me why I have those funny looking lines on my tummy when other people don’t?

These are questions I have asked myself time and time again. And they’re questions I’ve battled in my head over and over. And they are questions that need answers.

Will my husband still find me attractive? He assures me often that I’m beautiful- now I have to accept his uplifting comments for what they truly are and believe them. Will I ever wear another two piece bathing suit? Eventually. Not today, not tomorrow, and next week isn’t looking so promising either, but I’m working daily to get there. Will people judge me or be disgusted when they see them? Of course. There will always be someone who’s never been there or known someone with stretch marks and I can promise you someone will judge me. How do I know? Because I’ve been that person and I’m disgusted by myself for ever judging someone for being less than “perfect.” Will Ezra one day ask me about the funny lines on my tummy? I am 100% positive that the day will come and I’m honestly excited to tell him about them.

My stripes tell a story. They tell the story of what it took for me to bring life into this world. They tell the story of the heartache I went through to get here. They tell the story of how a woman’s body is able to do miraculous things. They tell the story of how I earned my stripes for my little man cub.

My stripes bring opportunity. The opportunity to overcome my fears. The opportunity for the world to view those with “imperfections” differently. The opportunity for me to teach Ezra that women come in many shapes, sizes, and patterns and that he is to love and respect them regardless of their appearance.

My body isn’t the same and it never will be. My boobs aren’t cute and perky anymore because they’ve sustained life. My tummy isn’t tight and it’s stamped with marks because it carried a life. I officially have a mom bod and I’m in the process of learning to be dang proud of it. My stripes are my badge of honor and I’ve more than earned them.

Tsunami Ezra

Ok y’all. So there I was, lying in bed missing my little babe even though he was asleep in his rocker literally right next to the bed. All I wanted was to snuggle him and kiss the top of his sweet head. I tell my husband who then proceeds to tell me to pick him up. So like an idiot I listen to him and pick up my sleeping baby because I have no idea what’s coming next.

After picking up Ezra, I noticed his diaper was wet and needed to be changed so I take him to the changing table to do a quick diaper change. Wrong. I took off his wet diaper and stupidly let my guard down for 2.25 seconds only to look back at him and notice he’s peeing everywhere. Literally everywhere. Kid is straight up peeing in his face, it’s running down behind his head and soaking his hair, and his onesie is soaked. So I did what any mom would do and I just throw a diaper at him like I’m putting out a grease fire. If you’re ever put in this situation, I don’t recommend this method because the pee was just splashing off of the diaper and splattering all over him. Moving on.

So I strip down my kid and carry him to the bathroom butt naked and tell him not to crap in my hand on the way. Well apparently he’s a good listener because he did not poop on me. We make it to the bathroom and I’m sitting on the toilet holding him waiting for the water to warm up when suddenly my BUTT NAKED baby starts peeing. AGAIN. So here’s a little secret into my personal life. I spend 90% of my time at home with a nursing bra and no shirt on because this kid eats more than a 900 lb. man, so don’t just show up at my house because I won’t have a shirt on. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ #momlife (am I right?!) Anyways, he pees all over himself and me this time. He soaks my bra, my belly, and he even manages to somehow pee into my mouth. I’m dead y’all. Now I also need a shower. The water finally gets warm enough so I put him in there and start bathing him when suddenly he rips one in the tub. I instantly snatch him out of the tub and sit him on the toilet like a grown man and allow him to let it all out. He obviously didn’t appreciate my efforts because he starts screaming. I get him back in the tub and get him all clean and then Sam takes him to the changing table to put his diaper on him. Once again we didn’t make it in time and now he has peed all over Sam. Cool. So now Sam and I both need a shower.

I finally get the naked baby dressed and he’s hungry so I feed him. Well wouldn’t you know that he spits up all over me when eating? I mean why not? It’s dripping down my body, it’s on my pillow, it’s on the sheets, and all over his face and body. *slams face into the wall 917 times +1 more just to make sure I’m feeling good and dead*

So I learned some valuable lessons today:

1. Don’t ever wake a sleeping baby because you feel like snuggling.

2. Don’t ever listen to your husband because men don’t know anything.

3. Don’t ever take for granted the peepee teepees you were given to prevent these situations from ever happening.

So if you have a baby boy or have one on the way, get you some off these fine boogers. Greatest invention ever link here. They have disposable ones that you can buy, or you can buy these and be good to the environment.

Now I’m going to go finally cook dinner and then go to bed with all the bodily fluids I’m wearing and just skip the shower because that’s who I am as a person. Here’s to you, Tsunami Ezra. Here’s to you. ๐Ÿป

Megan out. โœŒ๐Ÿป

Massage Yo Baby!

I’m not going to lie, I only bought one book during my pregnancy and only read one chapter. If you read tons of books during your pregnancy, good for you. I’m not that kind of person and really just wanted to wing the whole thing. After Ezra was born, I realized the value behind having somewhat of a routine and remembering that book had several sections to help establish a routine. So I picked up the book that I bought and read the sections on routines so I would have some guidance in making my own.

The author of the book suggested bathing your baby every night and and then giving your baby a massage to comfort him before bed. We started doing that and I remember I bought some baby massage oil prior to Ezra’s arrival. He LOVES this massage oil. Idk what it is about the oil, but he coos and is way more relaxed than with any lotion we have used- even lotion that has lavender in it. I love this oil because its ingredients are 100% natural and plant based and easily absorb into the skin without leaving a greasy residue. Score.

I also did a lot of research on baby massages just to see what the benefits really are of massaging your baby every night. There are many benefits for both baby AND mom (or dad, or whoever is doing the massage). Baby massages promote physical, developmental, and emotional health for infants. The physical touch promotes bonding and physical attachment between mom and baby. The soothing effects of the massage assists with weight gain and overall growth because it reduces cortisol levels (stress hormone) which encourages good eating habits and longer periods of sleep in babies. Let me say it a little louder for the people in the back- IT PROMOTES LONGER PERIODS OF SLEEP! Enough reason for me to jump on ship. Infant massage is so important and so heavily researched that 38% of NICUs perform daily massages on preterm babies in order to promote weight gain and decrease hospital stays by 3-6 days. The recommended time is 15 minutes/ day. Urm hello, positive research here people!

So here is how our nightly routine goes: bathe Ezra at 9 pm, give him a massage with Young Living’s Seedlings Baby Oil, put on pajamas, drink a bottle of mommy’s finest milk, sit up for 20 minutes after eating to reduce spit up, and then go to bed. He only wakes up once in the night to eat and the time is getting closer and closer to us waking up in the morning. Last night he didn’t wake up until 4:50 in the morning and he’s only 5 weeks old. The research has proven itself to be true and I’m taking it as a parenting win!!!

If you have baby oil, try it! If not and want to try some, here’s the link of the stuff I recommend: Seedlings Baby Oil

Moral of the story? MASSAGE YO BABY!