New Year, New Me?

I’ve never been much on New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve always thought if you didn’t like something about yourself then you should just change those things anytime rather than waiting for January 1st to roll around in efforts to better yourself.

But I got to thinking about my past year and the many topics that have bothered me throughout the year 2018 and I decided that maybe a new year with a new outlook wouldn’t be such a bad idea?

So here’s my try to a new me and things that ate me to my core or things that needed improvement in 2018:

1. Motherhood. Motherhood is the most rewarding and hardest thing in the history of ever. There were days that I would literally wish away in an effort to start over fresh tomorrow. Countless hours crying, feeling sorry for myself, overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, the list goes on and on. This year will only get harder as I will be throwing another babe into the mix, but this year I want to relish the moments, even the bad ones, and learn to love and nurture in what I believe to be a more “motherly manor”.

2. Marriage. My husband is amazing, there’s no question about that. But if one little thing didn’t go my way, or I felt unnoticed, or less than enough, or if I was told no then I shut down. I wanted him to step up in other ways as a father that I felt he should be doing but in reality he was doing more than his fair share in his own little way. We struggled with communication in 2018 than any other year of our marriage and it ATE. ME. ALIVE. I hated it. HATED IT. But I’m slowly but surely learning when to shut my mouth and give him space. He deserves the world’s greatest wife because he is truly the world’s greatest man.

3. Health/Wellness. Before my miscarriages I became super in tune with my body and developed a love for fitness. Unfortunately from miscarriage complications, I could no longer tolerate exercise and I’m the kind of idiot that resorts to food for comfort. I finally got back on the bandwagon a few months ago only to quickly be stopped by my excruciating hip pain. Y’all, this hip pain has been the most debilitating thing I’ve ever endured. I mean EVER. I tried many things to help it but all efforts failed. Today I went to the chiropractor for the first time for my hip pain and I left walking. My pain on a good day is usually a 6/10 but since my appointment today I have been a solid 2-3/10 and I feel like I am winning at life. I don’t know if this is temporary, but for the moment I have relief and I have been able to play with my baby and clean the gutters on our house! Please, hold the commentary on what I should and shouldn’t do. I want to love myself again and the way I feel and I’ll be darned if I rob myself of that this year.

4. Christianity. I have been a lousy Christian these past few months, really ever since Ezra was born. I don’t look forward to going to church, I don’t pray nearly as much as I used to, and I think negative thoughts about silly things a lot. I made myself feel better by primarily listening to Christian music, but it’s not the same thing as having a true relationship with Him. My faith and my beliefs have always been very important to me and the basis of my foundation, but I really let it slip in 2018. I focused on myself without help from Him and I promise you I felt it more than I’m happy to admit. This year my #1 goal is to strengthen my relationship with God because I need Him and I know everything else will fall back into place once I put Him back at the center of my life. I am not Mrs. Fix-It and how dare I think I am?

5. Depression. I have literally never admitted this to anyone before this blog, but in 2018 I was depressed. I struggled with feeling lonely, worthless, and not good enough for I can’t tell you how many months this year. Going back to motherhood, it is such an isolating feeling when you are basically a stay-at-home mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I am able to stay at home and be with my baby and I love that I get to raise my kid, but y’all let’s not sugar coat this topic. Being a stay-at-home mom is one of the loneliest things I’ve ever done in my life. You spend hours and hours with a human that obviously loves you more than anything in this world but can’t talk back to you, and doesn’t really interact with you for a long time. I am a social butterfly and I hungered for a conversation with someone. Going back to the marriage issue, my husband needs to come home and wind down after a long day of work and his way of winding down is not talking and being by himself for a little while. The two issues mixed together for me were like a fatal car crash. I began to lose who I was as a person. I began calling my mom for literally the dumbest reasons ever (and still do) so I can hear another voice respond back to me. I longed for the days I had to work because that meant I got to be around adults and they would speak to me!! What a concept! I tried talking to a few people about it and everyone said they understood what I was going through, and I believe they did to an extent, but there were days I literally didn’t want to go on because that meant I had to face my lonely reality. It brings tears to my eyes to reflect on these moments. But I will overcome this disease and I will be a happy person because I’ll be darned if I make myself, my husband, or my children take the beating for my self pity. I owe it to every single one of us to focus on my well-being and be the best Christian/wife/mother/friend WHATEVER I need to be.

Moral of the story? Maybe New Year’s Resolutions aren’t so bad. But I have to actually resolve problems rather than work on them for a few months and then give up because life got hard. And I need every single person that reads this blog to hold me accountable. If that’s only one person (and by one person I mean myself 😬), then by golly I’ll hold myself accountable! If anyone else is reading this, I’m here for you on your journey to better yourself and meet your goals as well!

So, with all that being said, what does your New Year, New You look like?

My Unsung Hero

I have learned many things as a new mother. I’ve gone back and forth on which I thought was more important: patience or recognition.

Sure- patience is super important. You need patience learning the different cries of your newborn, patience receiving unwanted advice from whoever, patience watching people who feel the need to be the one to soothe your baby and it’s not working, patience in your ability as a mother, the list is endless. But I’ve just about decided that recognition is the most important. Maybe that’s because it’s rarely done but well deserved?

My sweet husband is my unsung hero. Does he frequently lack patience and understanding? Of course he does, we all do. But what he lacks he makes up tenfold. He’s hard to wake up and values his sleep more than what seems humanly possible to someone like me that easily runs on zero sleep, but he’s willing to get up when Ezra cries to change him so I can get five more minutes of sleep before I feed him. He works 5 days a week and comes home and works on his Advocare business so I can stay home with the baby if I want to. He takes the baby away from me at 1 am when I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom and need to be admitted to a psych ward so I can lie down and relax. He tries to stay awake or watch tv with me during 3 am feedings. He comes home for lunch everyday just to love on his baby boy and give me the opportunity to nap. He is our spiritual leader and constantly prays over us and for us because prayer brings a spiritual awakening and is valuable to God. He keeps my water filled and makes sure my snack supply doesn’t run dry so I can have the necessary nutrients to produce milk for our babe. He pushed me during school and helped me finish my BSN because he knew how important it was to me.

The list could literally go on and on without ever ending. He loves me for me and I love him for him. He does all of these things without expecting any recognition or anything in return. He is my sanity in the darkness.

And for those reasons, you deserve the world and so much more. I respect you and adore you more than you’ll ever know. Sam Pement, you are my unsung hero.

Prayers for forgiveness

I had to do the unthinkable today. Many of you know the journey Sam and I have been on to bring our precious blessing into this world. Obviously we experienced a lot of pain and heartache just as any person would that struggles with issues of miscarriages, infertility, loss of a child, etc. But we’ve also dealt with something I never thought would be an issue. There are people out there battling their own struggles and they are angry with our success. It’s nothing personal towards us, they are just going through the motions and unfortunately our happiness is a vessel of sadness towards others who haven’t had our success. I was ok with this for a long time because I know the emotions they are experiencing. Sam and I were never personally angry with anyone when they had successful pregnancies because it wasn’t their fault that we weren’t, but unfortunately people cope differently and people struggle differently. We have been the root of people’s anger and I finally found myself angry about it this morning. Maybe it’s the surge of pregnancy hormones I’ve been experiencing, but I felt the rage and hate towards another person. Y’all, I realized I’m no better than them if I react this way. I have been praying for these couples for months that they will feel a sense of peace cover them, but this morning I had to pray for peace over myself. I was angry. I was humiliated. I could not believe that my happiness and success could possibly be ruined by someone else’s anger and jealously. I’m thankful I experienced this surge of emotions because it really has brought a new light in me. So today I did the unthinkable. I forgave them for hating me. I forgave myself for hating me because I have what they so desire. I forgave myself for judging someone because they judged me. But most importantly, I forgave myself for ever thinking for a dang second that I don’t deserve this sweet child. The only thing I can do from this point on is continue to pray for peace and comfort in their lives and raise my son to be the abundant blessing he is in our lives. We are so thankful for this opportunity. Today I experienced a moment of weakness. Today I experienced a moment that will change the way I react to other’s feelings towards me. Today I experienced a very valuable lesson. I ask that you all lift up these anonymous names with me as they seek a sense of calmness and peace with their struggles.

Wash away my guilt and cleanse me from my sin

– Psalm 51:2

DIY Carpet Deodorizer

Ok, so first of all let’s clear the air on how I started using Young Living’s essential oils. With my soon-to-be niece and my soon-to-be baby boy on the way, I wanted a house with clean, natural products. The company was introduced to me about a year ago by Katie Strength, but once I became pregnant I really began to think about cleaning my house with clean materials. Next thing I knew, I became a Young Living distributor, received my started pack and my order of Thieves laundry detergent and household cleaner, and I was HOOKED. Anyways, I’m having my church shower this Sunday and decided it was a good time to clean the nursery and make room for our sweet little gifts we’ll be getting this weekend so I got to cleaning. Y’all know we have a jack russell mix and a lab, but what y’all probably don’t know is that they shed and they stink. Not only do they shed and stink, the nursery is their favorite room in the house 🤦🏼‍♀️. My oil momma (Katie Strength) is hosting an online class on Thursday to teach how to utilize your oils and it inspired me it make my own carpet deodorizer to clean my baby’s room.

I read a lot of recipes prior to making mine and almost all of them included Borax. I don’t personally have beef with Borax, but I didn’t know if I wanted it sprinkled on the floor of the nursery where little hands and eyes would be, so I made my own extremely easy recipe without it. Here it goes:

WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

-mason jar or whatever you’d like to store it in

-1/2 cup baking soda

-Young Living essential oils of choice

-nail and hammer

STEPS:

1. Poke enough holes in your mason jar lid with a nail and hammer so that the deodorizer can be sprinkled.

2. Mix 1/2 cup of baking soda and Young Living essential oils in a small bowl. I used 10 drops of Purification and 15 drops of Lavender.

3. Place mixed ingredients in mason jar and close lid.

4. Sprinkle a light, even layer of deodorizer on carpet and allow to sit for 10 minutes.

5. Vacuum room and enjoy the refreshing scent!

Y’ALL, that’s it!! And the nursery smells amazing! I decided to use Purification because it is a natural deodorizer that helps neutralize the air, and Lavender because first of all, um duh it smells amazing, and it also adds a calming, clean, fresh scent. But really you can use whatever combination you already love or any that you want to experiment with!

***Before sprinkling your whole room, I would test the carpet deodorizer on a small corner just to ensure you don’t have any carpet staining.

Enjoy! And happy cleaning! Purchase Oils Here 💕

To the Little Life Within Me

Oh, sweet Ezra Hayes. The closer your due dates arrives the more your dad and I fall in love. We’re so lucky to be given this chance to bring new life into the world and there are so many things we can’t wait to teach you. Your life is something we don’t by any means take for granted. Baby boy, this is our prayer for you:

I pray you know Jesus. Not because “you’re supposed to” or because you grew up hearing about Him, but because you experience His unending love, His grace, and His many blessings he will pour into your life.

I pray that you watch your precious daddy interact with me and others and can become at least half the man he is because he really is an incredible man.

I pray that you value your grandparents and love them to the end of the earth because I can promise you that they love you that much more.

I pray that whenever you become a Big Brother that you treat the title like it’s the best one you’ve ever been given and love your new sibling beyond measure.

I pray that you respect women and treat every woman you encounter with as much respect as you would expect your dad to give me.

I pray that when you experience your first heartache that you pray for guidance and peace and not fight back with a vicious heart.

I pray that you seek adventure but know when it’s time to come back home.

I pray that when you meet the woman that will someday be your wife that you love her like crazy and realize she is truly a blessing from God.

I pray that you know how to hold a gun, bait a hook, build a fire, change your oil, etc. because skills like those are some strong things to possess.

I pray that when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time that you soak up every single second of the awe and beauty that you created.

I pray that when you do wrong or are in the wrong that you admit it and fix it because you are a man of integrity.

I pray that you value your education and realize you are so fortunate to be given one.

I pray that you know the value of a hard earned dollar and appreciate the work that went into earning that dollar.

I pray that you look for opportunities that will better you as an individual because you should never just settle.

I pray that you play a sport and understand the value of working as part of a team.

I pray that you have a fire within you that is so strong and bright it can change the world and make it a better place.

I pray that when you see someone being bullied that you have the courage to speak up for them.

I pray that you never initiate a fight, but if you find yourself in one that someone else started that you finish it fair.

I pray that you don’t fall into peer pressure because you’re trying to be like someone that isn’t worth mimicking.

I pray that you treat others with respect and dignity, even when they don’t deserve it.

Last but not least, I pray that you know that your mom and dad love you beyond belief even when it feels like we’re being so mean and so unfair because it’s only for your own good.

Baby boy, this is our prayer. Amen.