Alright look, for all of you people during this global pandemic that have nothing better to do, I need you to read this post.
Before you decide to get too bored and start making babies, READ THIS POST.
So Sam has band practice tonight for our church and he had to rush to eat so he could get out of the house. So there I was, sitting with my two precious children waiting for them to finish their dinner when suddenly Campbell gives me “the look”. For all of you potential COVID-19 parents, this isn’t just any look. This isn’t the look you give the pizza delivery guy when he shows up at your house with your favorite pizza. This isn’t the look you gave your parents when you walked outside and saw your very first car in the driveway. And this DEFINITELY ain’t the look your husband gives you when he comes home after a week work trip. This is THE look- red face, furrowed brows, wrinkled nose. The look kids give their parents when they’re filling their diaper with a Cat 5 hurricane. He was almost done with his dinner so I decided to let him finish before I got him up.
WELL. I got Ezra out of his chair first (mistake #1) and then I got Campbell and as we’re walking to his room to change his diaper, I realize my shirt is suddenly soaked. My dumb self thinks, “Huh? That’s weird.” And then I set him on the changing table and realize he literally has poop coming up around the neck of his onesie. Well, I’ll be. How in the world am I going to weasel him out of this? He literally had poop from his neck to his toes. I retrieve the disgusting child from his dirty clothes and diaper and off we go to the bathroom only for him to splatter poop all over my legs and the floor. Cool. So now I’m also covered in poop as if it being on my shirt and arms wasn’t bad enough.
So I put my child in the tub and do what any sensible parent would do- pour about 975 gallons of water on him to rinse him off and then walk to the sink to start wiping poop off of me. Well I guess I missed some of the poop because when I turned around, he had poop smeared all over his face. So now we patiently wait for the pinkeye to come on and make a trip to the doctor.
Remember Ezra that’s just running rampant in the house by himself? Well that gem of a boy found all of the poop that apparently dripped off of Campbell from the kitchen to the bathroom and HE IS PLAYING IN IT. Like finger paint, but with poop- because why the heck not? What do I do? I run to him only to slip in a pile of poop that he apparently missed and I wipe out like my life depended on it. I ate it, y’all. I made a slipping slide in my house. There is mushy poop squishing between my toes. Cool. I get Ezra cleaned up enough to get ready for a bath when suddenly I realize I’m no longer just smelling Campbell’s poop, I’m also smelling Ezra’s poop (yes, I can literally tell the difference in their smells). Check Ezra’s diaper and WA-LA, another poopy diaper. At this point, I’m covered in poop again and have another diaper to change, so I just strip down right there to nothing but my undies because what else do I have to lose at this point?
I take Ezra to his room and every window is wide open because Sam wanted fresh air throughout the house- so shoutout to the man running by that saw me practically naked and acting like it was completely normal. Anyways, back to the story. I lay Ezra on the floor and realize the carpet is soaking wet because remember those windows Sam wanted open? Well he also wanted the sprinklers going in the front yard at the same time and didn’t think to close the windows so now I have a tsunami to clean up in Ezra’s room. But before that, let’s clean this poopy diaper, shall we? I get Ezra’s diaper undone when I hear Campbell choking on only God knows what in the next room so I run to him, get the pile of dog hair out of his mouth, and return to Ezra who has now stuck his hands in his poopy diaper and rubbed it all over his stomach because I didn’t close it up before I ran to check on my other child choking. Y’all, what in the Sam Hill?! ARE YOU EXHAUSTED YET BECAUSE I SURE AM?!
I got Ezra bathed and strapped both of these hoodlums in their chairs because I have to clean up the poop on my hardwood floors, the poop on Campbell’s carpet, the poop on Campbell’s changing table, the poop on the tile floor in the bathroom, dry up the soaked carpet in Ezra’s room, and take a shower because I’m still covered in poop.
Moral of the story?
1. Find a hobby. Do not make babies during this pandemic unless you’re ready for a pandemic within your own home on a daily basis.
2. Buy stock in wine because I’m about to buy every bottle on the shelf and that still won’t be enough.
3. When you see me in public in 900 years when this coronavirus mess blows over and you think to yourself that I look like a mad woman, MIND YA BUSINESS.
4. My entire house smells like a pile of manure so I’ll be scrubbing it from top to bottom until approximately 3:30 am.
Best regards, Megan Pement AKA Poop Clean Up Crew AKA Alcoholic in the Making AKA About to Go to Jail for Murdering My Husband